Have you ever told a member of your family that you wanted them out of your life? If so, why?
Yes, and this is the deepest regret I've ever had in my whole life.
The only way I can somewhat forgive myself, is by reminding myself that I was on Effexor when I did this....and during that time, I did many things that I would not have done otherwise.
But this was, and is, the worst.
Let me backtrack here. I am still physically afraid of my mother. She's an untreated bipolar, and I've seen her do some things while manic that I won't even go in to here.
But anyway. At one point while on Effexor, I had this idea that if I cast a Wiccan spell on my mother, it would work. That she would be absolutely happy and blessed in her life....but that she would do it any place where I wasn't. That she would not only walk out of my life, but more importantly, she would walk out of my head. That without experiencing any suffering over it herself, she would finally *leave me alone*.
(In case you haven't figured it out, Effexor made me psychotic. That was the only point in my life, when I've been truly manic myself. And needless to say, I had no idea I was psychotic.)
So I wrote down the words to this spell....put some Christian symbols on it to assure my mother that I wasn't on my way straight to hell, because she's a strict Baptist....and I mailed it to her, fully confident that my problems with her would be solved.
Of course, she was absolutely shattered. And of course my children know about this letter by now, and the effects it has had on their grandmother.
I wish with all my heart that I could mend the hurt I've caused her, and the rest of my family. But I can't, because whenever I try to contact her, the threats start.
I needed to set and enforce some boundaries with her, possibly even to the point of cutting off contact. But I should never, ever have done it like that. And I'm absolutely convinced that if I hadn't been wrongly medicated, I never, ever would have.
So, that's the story of the deepest regret of my life. The end.