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Writer's Block: Destined for greatness
Do you believe that a higher power controls our fate or that we choose our own destinies?

I believe we choose how we will steer the ship of our lives (with the best resources and abilities given us to steer it with) - but the winds and the tides, we do not control.
- Forest.

Disambiguation, and check-in. (All)
Okay, guys, after all the recent drama, let's pull ourselves together, shall we - ?

Who all do we have available as fronters - ?

Forest - ancient warrior/healer (???)
Alex - badass biker
Stef - legal owner of our shared body, lady-of-the-house
Elijah - kid who went to work way too early in life, now has to adjust to a disability
Freddie - good Christian kid who sacrificed himself for his loved ones until it killed him
Brandon - youngest at 14/15, rescued out of an experimental medical facility, burn survivor.

Okay. Well, that was telling, just writing that much!
This is the first time we've ever seen Elijah as recovering from his work history, rather than being our designated wage-earner. (How long have we been disabled now, about twenty years ?)

He feels more like a person instead of a role, since we've stopped calling him by his nickname Lige, and started using his whole first name. That was the name he was called, before he ever went to work and started pretending to be older than he really was.

Today we need to go to the grocery store, and it's feeling like a big deal. Because we're uncomfortable with this chick who works there, after she came and stayed at our house long enough for us to start really getting to know her. (!!) (Creep in a normie's clothing....)

Anyway, we're all still a little freaked out by that whole experience. How normal/harmless/healthy we thought she really was, knowing her (at a bit of a distance) for years, our son dating her daughter for a time and then the two of them remaining friends. We really thought we had a good sense of what this woman was all about. And.....we were wrong.
(In all fairness, our son who was dating her daughter, had no inkling how weird this woman was, until the daughter told him. So it's not just that our perception is off. It's more that she is very good at hiding who she is. She makes us think of Ted Bundy now, and also John Wayne Gacy. Not that we think she's killed anybody....it's just that if she had, you'd never know. And it does creep us out, very much.)

So now we're thinking, how many people like her are out there - ? Possibly many. How do you tell ? Possibly you can't.
And then the bigger question - so who do we trust ?
And the answer seems to be, first of all, our two sons. The older, and then the younger. And then our daughter. And then our daughter-in-law. And then, in spite of all our problems, Rusty.

And then, after that, it gets scary. There's no one we want to have to put our trust in.

But now Forest is saying it's quite possible to be near people, without trusting them.

So now we're thinking, we hope Forest will take over as our 'designated people-person' for now. In the past, Elijah's done it, as part of earning a living. But, now Elijah has a lot of stress to recover from. So...we're hoping Forest will do this.
It probably won't win us any friends, as he's not the type to give people that warm-fuzzy feeling. But...right now we don't think we want any more IRL friends! They're a pain in the ass!

It might be hard to get Elijah out of that mode of mingling with people, and 'doing as the Romans do'. But, maybe Forest will help.

(A little later)
Old tapes playing now. Don't be so judgmental! Be nice to everyone, you never know when that person was Jesus in disguise!
(Freddie) we did take this so seriously as a child. I don't think it was written for children.
(Forest)We have definitely met some people, who were not Jesus.
It's enough to not be deliberately unkind, unless threatened.
Unfortunately there are people one does not dare show even graciousness to.
(Elijah) Dude, we've got to find a way to balance this out. We can't just go through life throwing off that attitude.
(Forest) Fine. But do be cautious. Remember these lessons we've learned since we've moved into this house!

Writer's Block: Exit strategy
Have you ever told a member of your family that you wanted them out of your life? If so, why?

Yes, and this is the deepest regret I've ever had in my whole life.

The only way I can somewhat forgive myself, is by reminding myself that I was on Effexor when I did this....and during that time, I did many things that I would not have done otherwise.
But this was, and is, the worst.

Let me backtrack here. I am still physically afraid of my mother. She's an untreated bipolar, and I've seen her do some things while manic that I won't even go in to here.

But anyway. At one point while on Effexor, I had this idea that if I cast a Wiccan spell on my mother, it would work. That she would be absolutely happy and blessed in her life....but that she would do it any place where I wasn't. That she would not only walk out of my life, but more importantly, she would walk out of my head. That without experiencing any suffering over it herself, she would finally *leave me alone*.

(In case you haven't figured it out, Effexor made me psychotic. That was the only point in my life, when I've been truly manic myself. And needless to say, I had no idea I was psychotic.)

So I wrote down the words to this spell....put some Christian symbols on it to assure my mother that I wasn't on my way straight to hell, because she's a strict Baptist....and I mailed it to her, fully confident that my problems with her would be solved.

Of course, she was absolutely shattered. And of course my children know about this letter by now, and the effects it has had on their grandmother.
I wish with all my heart that I could mend the hurt I've caused her, and the rest of my family. But I can't, because whenever I try to contact her, the threats start.

I needed to set and enforce some boundaries with her, possibly even to the point of cutting off contact. But I should never, ever have done it like that. And I'm absolutely convinced that if I hadn't been wrongly medicated, I never, ever would have.

So, that's the story of the deepest regret of my life. The end.

Going back incognito ? (Elijah)
I'm seriously thinking of crawling back into the closet IRL, as far as being a multiple. I think this feeds my social phobia so much, people's reactions to it.....even when they see that they've already met all of us and didn't even know it, that there are no big dramatic switches.....people simply pull away. And I feel self-conscious and defensive.
So I'm wondering how life would be if we started presenting ourselves as someone with PTSD, who used to be a mulitple but has had lots of therapy. (?) For a while we'd have to pretend to be in that space of, "I think this multiplicity thing is resolving itself".....

It feels really chickenshit to write that. But my IRL world has gotten so much smaller and I've become so much more isolated since we came out, that I'm desperate.

Sometimes I feel like every time we do the right thing, we get the wrong result. Kinda makes it hard to stay motivated to do the right thing, you know ?

(Jesus, I feel like Luke Skywalker giving in to the dark side of the Force.)

We used to present ourselves as formerly multi, and then let a few select people know that it wasn't completely former. Most of those people reacted badly, also....

I'm just discouraged about getting through life today. I feel like I've been branded with that scarlet letter, and today I don't want to wear it.

(Later) You know what ? I can't make this decision today. We just found out Truddi Chase and the Troops recently passed away....
If it hadn't been for them, we might never have realized that we were multiple and not just a freak. That feeling of being a freak, used to be *so* hard. These people had enough courage to tell their story, and as a result, we didn't feel like a freak anymore, like we were 'making it all up' just because we were aware of each other.
Also, it was only after reading When Rabbit Howls, that the possibility of getting on with life as who and what we really were, *ever* occurred to us.

Brandon and Elijah.
A new realization about something Brandon does for us.
Stef has always been obsessed with keeping the house spotless, so that people would like her. (This was around the same time as her eating disorder was in full swing, it was all tied together, the whole thing of trying to be perfect in order to finally feel good enough.)
Anyway, as we were doing chores just now, we realized Brandon has changed her concept of a clean house, in a very healthy way. Since we've become aware of him, Stef keeps the house up to a standard where, if he were a physical teenager living here, he would feel good inviting his friends over. Nothing more. Her tastes are still her tastes as far as decorating, but that whole thing of trying to keep it all spotless is gone.
And boy are we glad of that.

Now. Elijah.
Dude....no, you are not going to apply for financial aid and take on a half-time schedule at school. Have you not read our recent posts ? We would not be able to maintain that. I'm sorry. I know you used to do it....but I also know how many drugs you did in order to do it!
And you know what ? Maybe some of it *does* have to do with our being multiple. Or maybe it's not the multiplicity, but it's the trauma and the PTSD. Who knows. It doesn't matter. The truth is, sometimes we can barely get through the fucking day, and if we had to go work we'd be fucked. (Yes, this is Alex talking. I'm obviously the only one in here who knows how to spell the word fuck. Oh, yeah, except for Brandon. Sorry, Brandon.)
Anyway. Elijah. Dude. Your job now, is to take care of us. Not earn us a living. I know, I know, you will never feel safe unless you're ready to go to work. But dude, nobody would hire us to do anything except minimum-wage manual labor. So, the best thing you can do is to keep us physically fit, and work on dealing with people. I seriously want you to get off this education/resume thing for now. It's doing a lot more harm than good.

There were two times when you guys left me alone with a burn-ward type dentist, and it was the same guy both times!
Remember ? You thought the thing with the pill was just a mistake, because this guy's supposed to be sooooo good? So then we had an exam with just the nitrous, and he wouldn't turn up the goddamn nitrous ? Remember ? he turned it up just enough that we couldn't stop the exam, but not enough that it was okay. And you didn't take anybody with us who could speak for us. Forest came out and took the exam (thank you Fo)...but I don't want you guys to do that again, okay ? I don't want somebody blocking my mouth open and poking around in my face, unless I'm off exploring Aztec temples or something.

(I HATE fucking dentists. I think they should have to be reincarnated as their own patients.)

Too many drivers - ?
All six of us regular fronters, are up front right now. That's never completely comfortable, because we all do things very differently. So this is a bit of a readjustment.

Stef - we're sorry about your hair. But in all fairness, you did tell Elijah that if he would come out and take over, he could cut it. So he cut it. It was his hair at the moment, you told him so.
If you don't want him cutting your hair, we're going to have to work out something different.
Some of us are very much liking the idea of getting a wig for you. Then you can have your long hair when you want it, and not burden the rest of us with it when we're up front and trying to deal with life while maintaining girlish hair.

Alex...you did a *great* job of dealing with the Robbie situation, and not drinking! We wish you would remain near the front on a regular basis. You come through for us more than you know.

Brandon, I think we might want to give the 'no shots, no drills, all laser' dentist a try, before this tooth gets any worse. Just have him do an exam, and if he fails the test like the last guy did, then that's that. But if he passes, and he lets you have some control over what's happening to you, then we think you could do that. It will NOT be like being on a burn ward, no matter what. In all our dealings with dentists in adult life, have we ever let you feel like you were back on a burn ward ?

(Brandon) Yes, one time, but I know you didn't mean to. With the 'conscious sedation' guy. I don't want to do that again. He said we wouldn't remember, and he was a liar. I don't want any more pills that are supposed to make me not remember.

All right. Point taken. No amnesia pills.
And you're right, we had no idea the experience would be like that. Now we know.
We'll do everything we can for you, but you're just going to have to be brave.

Now. Let's get through this day, shall we ? This house is a mess, and so are we.

I'm sick of crazy people. (Alex)
Okay, so now there's a crazy person staying at my house. He's bipolar (boy am I getting fucking sick of these goddamned untreated bipolars!), and guess what, he thinks he's doing just fine on zero medication.
Well, hello, he isn't. Our husband told us he was staying til Monday....then come to find out, if our husband's even telling the truth (which we suspect he is this time), the guy just plain invited *himself* to stay til Monday.
You know what ? It's a long goddamn time til fucking Monday when you've got a raving lunatic in your goddamned living room!

Jesus, does anybody know where I could get some roofies and slip this motherfucker one so he'll shut the fuck up and go to fucking *sleep* ??? I don't know anything about roofies, but I've heard you can't taste them, and I am not at all above doing that at this point.

We tried to get the guy to drink some Lithia water (it has lithium in it....tastes like shit but the hippies say it'll make you mellow), even poured ourselves a glass so he wouldn't be paranoid about it. (I wouldn't mind getting mellow right now.....) He wouldn't drink it because it didn't taste good! I can't slip him a Xanax, because they taste worse.....and I don't want to pop one myself, because I don't know what this motherfucker's going to do. Possibly he's going to do nothing.....but that's no kind of a chance to take. He's talking all crazy, and not making any sense, and everything's about shooting or fighting.

Rusty doesn't want to 'put him out', because he's living on the street.

I'd like to kick Rusty's ass right now, then knock the crazy guy unconscious and call an ambulance to come and get him. They'd figure out he's crazy as soon as he woke up....,

This is just fucked up. We don't really have any place to go. We went to our son's house, but he obviously didn't want us to stay overnight....he might not tell us no if we asked outright, but we've got a good relationship with him and we don't want to fuck it up.
We could rent a room for a day or two....but we're already broke as hell from the *last* time we rented a room.

I think the thing that makes me the maddest is, I really don't have any idea how normal people deal with this fucking bullshit, you know - ?
Well, in the first place they maybe don't get themselves *in* to it....but it's a little late in the day for that.

So, I've got the gun hidden in the truck so it's not in the house with the crazy dude....and I wish I had some really good weed right now. Because I'm probably staying alert for absolutely no reason whatsoever.....

You know what, this is bullshit. I'm scared, I need to go rent a room. Rusty won't 'put this poor guy out', and I'm sitting here like a fucking sentry....it's fucking bullshit. So, here goes another hundred bucks....but better to spend the money than take a chance.

I don't like being around anybody I wouldn't feel comfortable getting high in front of.

Fuck, I don't even want to be out here dealing with this bullshit! But if I let Forest handle it, things are *not* going to be good with Rusty, because the crazy dude would be out of here.
And it's fucked up, because the crazy dude is a longtime family friend that we love....when he's on his meds. Right now, it's like, he's not even home.

Fuck, why don't I just go hang out at the biker bar where I know what's going on ? That would have felt like a good idea several years ago. It's a little bit hollow these days.

This really isn't fair of Rusty, to do this to us.
I have a feeling the crazy dude isn't leaving come Monday.

You know what ? I also think I don't love/like this guy as much as I'm "supposed" to. I can't help it that he's bipolar, he fucking knows he's bipolar, and now he's just one more bipolar asshole blowing like a tornado through everybody else's life, and I seriously am getting fucking sick of these fucking bipolars who do this.

You know what's *really* fucked up??? When I was out and in charge for those 2-3 years, I was diagnosed as bipolar! I have *never* acted like this! Fuck, if I acted like this, I could find somebody to barge in on and scare the fuck out of til Monday!

U.S, of Tara. (Freddie)
I think I'm getting a crush on Buck. He makes me feel all melty inside.

Finally, a letter we wrote but never sent. (Freddie - for now.)
At last, one of us wrote a letter and actually didn't send it.
It didn't start out to be an unsent letter - it started out to be a message on Facebook, from Stef to our daughter Rachel. But in the end, even though Stef *really* wants to say those things, she ended up canceling the message. Because she doesn't want to fracture what little is left, of her relationship with her daughter.

I'm so mad at this girl, I can't see straight. She hasn't got a clue in hell what it *really* feels like to have a mother that doesn't give a shit.

Stef tried so hard with her. And it was never good enough. And she also tried her ass off with her own mother - and so did I! And that, was so far from satisfactory that it actually ended up killing me, before it was over! Rather, I actually ended up *letting* it kill me. But in my own defense, when one is in very real fear of going to a very literal hell....that can mess with one's head.

Anyway. These two women, the old one and the young one....and this man, on top of it all, is just starting to feel like a bit much right now.

To be perfectly honest, I would love nothing more than to just get high off my ass, and stay that way until enough time has passed that this has started to heal a bit. (That is, assuming Rusty can keep from blowing up at us, criticizing us to death, or getting us evicted in the meantime. He's already making Stef feel like Peg Bundy, the lazy bitch who won't cook. That kind of thing, does get in the way of healing up all these hurts and getting on with it!)

Gah. He's not going to change. And it's not about Stef. She's tried so hard to please him. She is NOT a Peg Bundy.
I think it's high time she got back in to cooking....and not for him. I think it would be great if she got back in to cake decorating. She's always been so good at that, and it could turn in to a profitable hobby. Or even if it doesn't, she'll be sharing her cooking with someone the way she enjoyed doing when she was younger, and maybe it will make that yucky Peg Bundy feeling go the hell away.

Meanwhile, I wish she could drop the 'bad mother' feeling, as well. Even after Rachel was such a bitch, Stef still couldn't make herself send that message. That doesnt' sound like a bad mother to me. It sounds like a good mother, with a spoiled rotten daughter.

(God, if our mother was to turn around and act like she gave a shit about our feelings just fucking *once*, do you have any clue how happy we'd be....? Well, after the paramedics revived us from the heart attack it would give us....but still. Yeah, I'm back in self-pity again. You know what ? Sue me. But be warned, you'll have to get in line behind our oh-so-loving mother.)

I'll be so glad when the spell cast by Rachel's venomous words, wears off. I wish I knew an antidote for the spell. But I don't. The best thing I can think to do, is get very high; stay that way; and let it fade. That's the only thing I've ever known.